What the fuck happened Kevin Sorbo? You were fucking Hercules man. There is no reason you couldn't have fully embraced the trash, been cool and lived out the rest of your career making awesomely shitty horror movies or something. But instead you turned in to a complete prick in the worst fucking way. Even going so far as to dis the timeless and almighty Lucy Lawless and committing the most foul of all acts: making shitty Christian films. What the fuck man? Hercules no. Is it my fault? Although I watched the show until its meta-induced death, it was eternally second to its more daring spin off Xena. Was the neglect of Hercules by myself as well as other like minded young nerds to blame? Is the Son of Zeus's fall from grace at least in part due to a unhealthy jealousy aimed at the obviously superior Warrior Princess for stealing the hearts of the children? Sorry, I could talk about how awesome Lucy Lawless is and how Kevin Sorbo being a douche breaks my heart all day. Luckily for me by either being strapped for cash or possibly on the promise of a script involving him hitting a woman Sorbet has done at least a few ok flicks post his mythical adventures. Just maybe giving us a glimpse in to a more privileged alternative universe where Hercules didn't transform into a huge asshole. In 2011, I assume between buying bibles and his Xena hate mantras, he blessed us with Julie X.
In what I understand to be a normal internet date, Julia (Valerie Azlynn) is kidnapped by a stranger (Sorbo) after having a premonition of them having rough sex in a really clean bathroom. She is then loaded up in a van and taken home for some torture, babble and soon to be forgotten plot points. After throwing herself through a window like a Fast and Furious character she meets up with her sister to exact revenge. More torture happens, more windows break and then some more plot threads get loose in a blood soaked back and forth.
I cant speak to the intent or message of the film. Whatever message it confusingly tries to portray gets lost in the low budget fun. I have a feeling the film would have lost considerable value had the directors successfully injected their petty gripes with the world. The most successful twist the film pulls (and there are a few it tries) is the lack of logical or even like-able characters among the main cast. It sounds bad but it works for me in this case. Instead of a setting up the female revenge flick I assumed I was watching, the movie devolves in to a war between psychopathic titans. The two parties dole out punishment in bulk that would easily kill any human here in the real world, with silly one liners peppered between blows. I cant help but be reminded of the mainstream cocktease Mr. & Ms. Smith, but more trashy and with less reliance of cute Brad Pitt faces (so, improved). Whatever sexual frustration helped create this film I don't know, but thank it for me I guess because I'm not mad at the final product.
Camera work and lighting are bad to passing, but do not really take away from the entertainment. No nudity but some fair violence if not a little cartoonish as it progresses. There are a lot of dead ends and unwarranted "twists" I cant decide if the film had sub plots cut in editing or if that is the duo of filmmakers way of padding the story. The film rolls over its speed bumps well enough as you begin to realize nothing is going to make sense, at all.
Despite having the now corrupted half-god in a lead role and a confused, half ass plot it's a lot of fun to sit through. It feels almost like the shitty sequel to a better movie that never existed. Most of all its a cheesy mess of violence and I'm down with that.
Go figure, Kevin Sorbo plays a good sexual predator.
| 2011
Director: P.J. Pettiette
Writers: Matt Cunningham, P.J. Pettiette (story)
Links:
Review by
